I grew up being best friends with a group of guys in a small town. There were about a half a dozen of us who hung out all the time, traveled together, shared life, and helped one another grow up. We were adopted children of each one's parents and it was like one big extended family in many ways. It was a great way to grow up and we are still friends and gather together about once a year, even though we have all gone on to careers and families of our own in different parts of the country. I love those guys.
The last of us got married this past weekend in Charleston, SC. It was an amazing time of fun, laughter, reminiscing, celebration, dancing, etc. As we have done for each wedding, we came back together to welcome our friend's wife into a very tight circle of friends that will likely be together in some way, shape, or form until old age or death takes us. It's always funny because the girl gets kind of big eyed when she first meets us and it is obvious that she doesn't know what she's getting into. We're loud and we laugh. We are constantly cracking jokes at one another's expense. We are almost never serious unless we are one on one or a tragedy has occurred. And, we can be overwhelming when we are all together.
I think a lot about friendship and how much I need it. I long for it. I am happiest when I am joined with a band of brothers accomplishing something bigger than myself. I think that most men are that way, yet our society considers that to immature and silly. A picture is painted of a bunch of men who won't grow up pretending to be boys again. Women look down their noses at attempts at male bonding. Our churches almost never provide the ability for guys to be guys and to really connect and to form friendships with other guys - in the way that guys really become friends. We are told that the high essence of masculinity is being a husband and a father, and those roles are certainly at the top. Yet, we leave out the part of a man that NEEDS to connect with other men in a battle for something greater than himself. I am rarely with men when I do not feel that their work, responsibilities, or their marriage is constantly pulling them back into those more comfortable, predictable roles. Yet, the question remains, is a man capable of being a good husband, father, employee, or Christian if he is cut off from joining his life with other men in a quest or fight for something larger than himself? Too often, churches attempt to "reach the men" and they fail miserably. The men stay disconnected and are rarely honest about who they are because churches are breeding grounds for hypocrisy. If men do really show who they are, it often comes out as a "problem." Just accepting someone and loving them without trying to fix them is a foreign concept to most Christians. We feel like we are violating Scripture if we don't try and fix everyone we know and most men don't want to submit themselves to that process with guys they don't trust or have not gone to war with.
I don't either.
Frankly, the last thing that I want to do is sit around in a circle with a group of guys and share my feelings in some meeting that I go to. It seems unnatural and strange. I don't want to open myself up to guys I don't trust so they can fix me. I'm a pastor and I feel this way. I imagine that most men feel the same. But, I do long for friendships and relationship. I do want to join together with guys in a way that draws me up into something bigger than myself. I want to be a part of a crew. I want to feel included and valued for who I am. I want to be in relationship with guys were I am pushed to excel and the best of me is called forth because my friends believe in me, not because they are trying to fix me. I want to be able to do that for them as well.
Such relationships are in short supply in the church. That is a shame. It is what the world is longing for and it seems like it is what Jesus created when He called the Twelve together. It only really happens when some great struggle forges friendships together out of the fire. For my childhood friends, that great struggle was the struggle of adolescence. We grew up together and we faced many questions and challenges - together. But, it wasn't all struggle. It was fun. There was great joy. There still is. In the Christian life, we are called to grow closer to the Lord, to love others, and to bring the gospel to the ends of the earth. We are called to do all of this together. Unfortunately, we don't feel like we can really open up to others for fear that if they saw us as we were, acceptance would not be available. That is a shame. It is as though we are not people of grace and that God's forgiveness and love do not exist. But, they do. I've experience all of that. I've experienced a great deal of it through friends who loved me and accepted me for who I was, not for how perfect I was. That made a big difference in my life.
Thank you, guys.
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