From Despair to Experienciing God's Presence Through Prayer

I want to sincerely thank everyone for the many prayers, comments, and emails that have been sent. You have all been such a blessing to my family and I praise God for you. We have truly felt your prayers and your support.

Thursday was one of the darkest days that I can ever remember. I became quite fatalistic and was not really able to pray. In my mind, I was preparing myself for the worst and I could not pull back from the abyss. I felt so alone. When I would see Caelan, I would grieve so intensely. It was like he was already gone. My thoughts were really fairly irrational, but it was like I could not really pull back from them. I felt paralyzed because what we had most feared and seemed to escape appeared to be upon us. Where was God?

At one point, I was so overwhelmed that I had to get out of the house. I went outside and began to cry out to God with many tears. I just needed Him to do something. It is in those moments that just resigning yourself to God's will is entirely insufficient because we don't know what God's will is. We interpose our hopelessness into the place of faith and accept that the worst case scenario might be God's will. At that point a certain horror begins to come upon us because we feel so vulnerable to the whims of what seems to be the arbitrary nature of God's unknown plans. So, we start rehashing theology in our minds to get us through the trial. In that moment however, I didn't need thoughts ABOUT God, I needed God Himself.

As I was praying, I had a strange thought. I had heard about a minister from Uganda that had come to our city. I had just heard a little about him and that God had used him to pray for healing for the sick and many had been healed. Since that thought came while I was praying and I was so desperate, I became determined to find him right then. I just needed someone to pray who believed God for healing. My own faith was faltering and I had not yet asked anyone to pray for us - we had pretty much kept to ourselves.

Before we left to meet one of our elders and the others for prayer, I wrote the post about Caelan that so many of you read last week.

We went to receive prayer and God really met us. I became aware of the fact that we were not alone. I did not have to carry this burden by myself and there was hope. God came near through the prayers of the saints and despair began to be replaced with hope. When I returned home, my wife and I began receiving phone calls and we knew that people were praying. When I awoke the next morning, my utter despair had been replaced with a hope in God and I was able to rejoice in Him, even in the midst of the storm.

The last few days have been up and down, but I am very aware that people are praying for us and for Caelan. We cannot hope in doctors or in test results - we have to hope in the Lord. My initial response to all of this was my very understandable human response. But, to believe and hope in God is the spiritual response and it is only possible when God comes near. That is happening for us as a result of the prayers of so many. When we could not pray for ourselves, the Church prayed for us and God heard. If you ever think that prayer is a small thing and it doesn't matter, I can tell you from experience that you are wrong. The God of hope and miracles comes near when we pray and nothing is impossible with Him.

Caelan's next scans are Thursday and we will proceed from there. Please continue to pray and believe God to heal our little boy. Grace and peace to each one of you.

Comments

[Bob Cleveland]

As someone once said, when you're down to nothin', God's up to somethin'. I think that's the case with your family, Alan.

Be sure and let me know what time you are going to be at Children's. And, if you're around Wednesday evening, we'll be at prayer meeting. We're having an early b'day dinner with John.

[Jeff Moody]

Alan,

We will continue to pray for you and your family and for you all to feel the presence of God. I am thankful that he has given you hope and I am encouraged and challenged by your faith and your willingness to be candid with us.

Jeff

[Paul]

Alan,

I've so wanted to call you, but I keep imagining that you're just inundated with calls and I want to respect the time you need for ministry, family and everything else in your life. I just want you to know that you have friends even here in Oklahoma who continue to think of you and pray for you each day. If you are in Texas next week I will see you there. If you aren't I will talk to you soon.

Blessings,
Paul

[Debbie Kaufman]

Alan: I place Caelan, you and your family on the prayer list Sunday. Thirty plus women will be pray healing for Caelan as well as sleep, peace and comfort for you and your family throughout the whole week.

[Jason Epps]

Alan,

When will you be receiving the results of Thursday's scan? Roanne and I and many others have been praying for and thinking of you guys. Will you please keep us updated? Thanks.

Blessings,
J

[Art Rogers]

Alan,

We are still praying for you and your family. You come to my mind often and we have asked for the church to lift you and yours up as well.

Continue to be encouraged and know that we are with you.

Art

[Tammy Pate]

Alan, Thank you for putting words to your feelings. I do understand that paralyzing fear. One test, one scan, can change the course of our lives forever. I have felt that feeling prior to tests, when I know the enemy is devouring my mind. I do know how it feels to cry out to our Heavenly Father in desperation. I pray that you and Erika will feel that special peace that only come from Him. I am also praying for encouraging news on Thursday.

With HOPE,
Tammy

[Keith Lucas]

Alan, After hearing about Caelan last week Susan and I wept and prayed and wept some more. We love you and your family and miss all of our family in Montgomery. Sunday while singing "Blessed be the Name", a song I remember singing many times with you at Gateway, I felt a very real and strong prompting from God for me to mention Caelan to the body and to lift him up in prayer. Our church stopped our time of Praise and worship and prayed for him and your family. I say this all so you know that yes, people are praying and no, you are not alone. Please know our church in NC is holding you up and placing our Trust in Him. We love you.
Keith

[Steve Wright]

Alan, you and your whole family are in our prayers. Thanks for posting your heart on this last post. We love you my brother.
Steve Wright

[Andrew Hicks]

Alan and Erika,

Brandi and I are walking around with you on our hearts all day. We are lifting prayers up to the Father for Caelan's healing and for your strength and peace. I have also made known your need in several of my classes when they have asked for prayer requests. We are all trusting that "many will give thanks on [your] behalf for the gracious favor granted [you] in answer to the prayers of many". We love you all. Peace.

Andrew

[Kevin Bussey]

Alan,

Your family and esp. Caelan are lifted up daily.

[Bart Barber]

Alan,

I guess the reading of the scans will come sometime several days after tomorrow?