Well, radiation began Monday for my son, Caelan, and everything is going well overall - except that we are dealing with doctors. What I mean by that is that everything keeps changing. They had told us that we were going to get electron therapy and that would be the best form of radiation by far. Much better than that nasty photon therapy. Then, Erika shows up on Monday (I didn't go because I was with the other kids and thought this would all be routine), and they change it to photon therapy because the electron therapy won't work. So, you get all geared up to go in one direction and then they switch course on you and you are trying to figure out if what is happening is best or what. I know they are doing the best they can and are working with the information they have, but when this happens, you are emotionally drained and don't have the energy to just switch gears and not let it get to you. So, this is pretty hard.
So, we get through that. Then, yesterday, there is a visit with our surgeon because he is gaining fluid in the cavity where the tumor was taken out. The surgeon says it's nothing after seeing the ultrasound and the CT scan they just took, and she is sure that it is just fluid. But, it's a bit more than she expected, so she is moving up his next CT scan to be in 6 weeks instead of 3 months. Just to be sure and overly cautious. And, she reassured us by telling us that she didn't feel that a biopsy was necessary. Whew, glad for that . . . a BIOPSY?!?!?! What the heck are you talking about?!?!? That was my response to Erika on the phone. Erika assured me that he was fine, but I just wasn't prepared to hear about how it was good that we didn't have to have a biopsy right now. Why are we even mentioning a biopsy?
Anyway, the first three days of radiation have been MUCH harder than we expected, at least emotionally. Caelan is doing fine so far, but there have been so many other things that have gone along with it that NO ONE told us about. Erika is exhausted and needs your prayers so she can rest. I am feeling overwhelmed. Our kids are happy, so that's good. But, this is just hard and you keep wanting it to be over with and you keep thinking that you can't take anymore and it keeps coming and you keep getting back up and you keep praying and you stay tired and the stress builds and you wonder how you're going to make it and you do. Somehow, you just do. God is still there. He gives you strength. One day turns into the next and you try and distract yourself by thinking about other things, like Bobby Welch and the stupid alcohol resolution in the SBC. But, in reality, all you're thinking about is, "Is my son going to be o.k.?" and, "If he is, is he going to be deformed?" And, you think about your wife and you hurt for her because you don't want her to be going through this and you just wish you could do something to make it stop.
But, you can't make anything stop. You can't control anything. All you can do is show up, take it as it comes, and trust God. Trust God. Those two words are weightier than ever. Trust God. Trust that He is not surprised by any of this and that this is just another chance to prove Himself strong. Trust that He is working all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Trust that this life is not all there is and our hope is found in Him and in the life to come. Trust that He has strength for us each day and as we suffer in our soul we come to know Him better and He is our reward. Trust that He will be glorified through this and that is all that matters. Trust Him with our hearts and our lives and the future of my child and the weariness of my wife and let that be enough. Trust God. Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him. I know what to do and am doing it, and God is seeing us through. But, it is still hard. It still hurts. And,we still trust and choose to rejoice in the Lord. He is all we have and He is enough.